Disappointed

I think this is a word that could best sum up my life a feel at his particular moment. now I'm not looking for pity; I'm simply stating how I feel. Feeling is such a funny word because how you feel is completely dependent on you. Others can hurt me and make me feel a certain way, but I control how long I feel that way and how I react to that feeling.
But right now, I feel disappointed and it's nothing that anyone else has done...it's me.
WHY
If anyone reads this, this will probably ring true for many.

I'M DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE: work is draining the life out of me. I spend so much time at my job that when I get home I am exhausted; mentally and physically.My desire is to do more with my life. to make a difference in the lives of others...but that brings me to my next point;

I'M DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE: I'm a tad bit selfish. not in the literal sense of the word. I don't place me first often, but I do place the wants of my family first. I spend so much time at home fixing and cleaning that it leaves little time for anything else. This however seems to be improving because there are a lot of projects that are mostly done...only little things remain for the most part. everything else that we "want" can be completed by someone else

I'M DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE; I'm not as young as I used to be and I can't function on the little sleep that I get each night. Answer; get more sleep, except that I don't want the day to waste away. I have a nap when I get home, because I need one, but then I'm missing a half hour to an hour of prime time when I could be doing something else. And on the whole age thing, I'm getting old. my mind still thinks its young, but my body and my hair are really arguing with my mind.

I'M DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE: I'm not fulfilling my call to ministry. I am doing ministry at my church, but when I see others able to accomplish so much more, I get an ache in my heart. Time and time again I wish that money wasn't an issue and that I could dedicate myself solely on the needs of others.

I'M DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE: Although I am able to teach into the spiritual lives of others, I often fall behind in the spiritual teaching of myself. With everything that I have pointed out above, I often put my own spiritual life on hold. I know it's a messed up priority thing, but it seems to always happen. What I believe is this: God is first... and He is in my life. I know that whatever happens, It's for His glory. I always give God the credit for everything, but I feel that God is first in background only. That may be a hard statement to admit, but it's how I feel.
You see, I feel like He is involved in EVERY aspect of my life, but in the background. That is why He is first in my life.
Everything else comes second; family, church, work...but these things I have to deal with in the foreground but they affect my life directly. I'm am constantly having to DO things to make these aspects of my life function well.

But this is what I KNOW: God needs to be in the forefront of my life; not sharing the limelight with the other competing forces, but influencing them through me.


How does this happen. How does someone who is called to ministry; who is educated in theology; who has a strong desire to serve and make a difference; How does this person fall behind and get so lost.

in this order...
Selfishness
Lack of discipline
Messed up priorities
Sinful desire
Immersed in a sinful world
Financial obligations

I'm sure their are others...but for now...I pray!

I fear my life had been corrupted, thank you Jesus for loving me.

So, as I listen to my pastor sharing a message of hope, I'm stuck on the verse that he read. 2 Timothy 3:1-5. The list of acts that people are doing top each other sounds an awful lot like my life and it scares me a little.
How on earth does this happen! How can my desire to do good be overshadowed by the crap that goes on around me; the things the are going on in my very life.
This must change!
As I continue to watch my kids argue with each other and with myself, I wonder what it would be like if, even for a day, stop serving ourselves and start counting others as more important. What would that be like...to stop thinking about ourselves!
I don't want to be selfish anymore, but I'm afraid that if I change and others do not, that I would be bitter and revert back to my old selfish ways.
Is they hope?
There's is because I have faith in Jesus. I may not be able to Change my selfish ways by myself, but I know that I have a savior that will be able to help me through it.
We, and when I say we I mean I, need to take everything to Jesus and continue to trust that he will listen.

Fading from one life to another

What do you think about? As I sit here looking at pictures from the past, I can't help think about where those pictures were taken. That's good because that's exactly what I want them to do.
But if I'm low on cash, I think about ways I can make more money. The lottery always comes to mind when that happens.
If I have a bad day at work, I think about how I can improve my situation by perhaps finding a new job.
But when it comes to spiritual matters, I usually have to force myself to think more spiritual. It doesn't come as naturally as other things. It always seems however that when I think about spiritual things, everything seems to fade out of focus and become less important. That is exactly what I want, but why do I have to leave it so long before I come to that realization...sigh...
I love my God, and how he waits for me in these uncertain times. But I must admit, I don't like myself when those times come and overwhelm me.
More of Jesus and less of me...that's what I need...

Breaking humanity

It has been to long since I read and responded to the Bible.I don't have an excuse except for...I messed up again.this almost feels like confession. Why is it that life gets in the way all the time. And of course, in timely fashion, whenever I feel the need to be in the word more, that is when I feel the most stress, the pull of life over the desire to be a good Christian. The good thing about it is that I almost always recognize the effects of my absence from God. The bad thing is that it happens all to often. I well once again try to walk in a manner that is glorifying to God, and not self satisfying.

You can't take it with you when you go.

Psalm 49 puts into perspective our purpose in life. The psalmist writes about wealthy men and how...when they die...they pass on to others what they have acquired. It seems that the Bible talks about this problem time and time again. Jesus says do not store up for yourselves treasure in this life...I love the passage that says...don't store up for yourselves treasures where moth and rust destroy and where thieves come in and steal, but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...but what is a treasure in heaven?
One can assume...maybe it's the good things we have done... except you can't go to heaven on good works, so that doesn't make sense.
Maybe it's our obedience to the Lords commandments, but unless we are obeying consistently, it's no treasure at all.
So why are we not obeying consistently??? perhaps because there are too many variables. I know that Jesus is the constant, but the things around us constantly change and we end up reacting differently and therefore not obeying the same everytime...

but that's the goal... to consistently obey Jesus no matter what the circumstances, and thus storing up treasures in heaven... the feeling and confidence that we did everything we could to live a life like Jesus did...


points to ponder!

Predestination or foreknowledge???

Something that I have always thought about is whether or not our lives our predestined... or if God foreknew our steps. Predestination takes away our ability to choose whereas foreknowledge lets us choose but God already knows the outcome. I am more of a foreknowledge person myself...
As I think about yesterdays passage again...combined with the the story of Joseph in the Old Testament...and it puts into question what this is all about. Why would God make him go through all of that...-thrown into a pit and left for dead...-sold into slavery...-accused of crimes he didn't commit. predestination says that God set those things in place for him. Foreknowledge says that God allowed them to happen.
The bottom line is this (I think)...Things happen! People (and this includes us as well) do some pretty stupid things. these things sometimes affect other people...and sometimes they affect only us. How do we respond to these things that happen...(mistakes...sin sometimes...lets call it what it is).
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
Lets not focus on the mistake...but lets focus on the next step that God has placed before us. How much easier would our walk be if we followed the path that God has made for us.

Back again...hopefully it sticks?

I Can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I sat down with the Bible and put a little effort into reading it. It's sad and depressing really, but, like before, whenever I am away for too long, God places that yearning and desire to get back into it. I would like to make excuses... but alas it would be an exercise in futility.
This morning I read out of my devotional "Walk with God"...the book I always seem to come back too. Today it talked about Proverbs 16:9... a passage that I have loved for years.
" In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Of course, timing is everything... because here I am whining and crying and concerning myself over money and employment... trying to figure out what it is I have to do to make sure we have enough food on the table and that all the bills are paid.
I hate that I always second guess God. When I find myself doing that, I remind myself who HE is and who I am not... and the the second guessing goes away. His plan is perfect, even if I don't know what the outcome is going to be.
I remind myself of these few versus...(paraphrased)

Why do I worry about the things you will eat or the things you will wear. God looks after the birds and the flowers. How much more will He look after me...

I have plans for you declares the Lord...plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you a hope and a future...

Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

These promises... combined with the call I received from God....keep me moving forward.